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New York Times Headlines - The Retorts

NYT:>Near Visit's End, Powell Dampens The Expectations

Don: Also Waters Azaleas, Tiptoes Through Tulips

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>House Passes the Farm Bill, Which Bush Says He'll Sign

"I Like Playing with Pens!" shouts exuberant Chief Executive

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>Hugo Boss Says Profit Will Fall

de la Renta Screams from Nearby Sitz Bath: "That's Cradle, You Queen! Cradle!"

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>Aides Say Pope Would Resign If Unfit to Work

College of Cardinals Reportedly Searching Internet for "Younger, More Nubile" Pope

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>Cuomo Calls Pataki Record a Failure

Has A Good Beat, But Can't Dance To It

Prefers Earlier Work With "Dexy's Midnight Runners"

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>Weed Killer Deforms Sex Organs in Frogs, Study Finds Frogs Add "Ortho Overdose" To "Cold Water Shrinkage", "It's Not You, It's Me" Excuses

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>Editor Arrested in Zimbabwe Over Story "Zimbabwe Is So 2001" says Editor

--- >Trotskyist on a First-Name Basis to France Reportedly Looking for Soho Loft to Sublet Together

--- >Nuclear Waste Move Spews Political Fallout in 2 States "It's Going to Take Months to Clean up All These Damn Congressmen", experts claim.

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>France: Jail Awaits Big Mac Attacker

French Prisoner Promptly Surrenders To Burger Kingdom

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>Japan: Neighbors of U.S. Base Lose Suit

Also Misplace Socks

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>Bush and Daschle Set Terms For Their Battle On Budget

Bush Insists Upon No Hair Pulling; Daschle Says "No Name Calling"

--- >Lawyer Wins Easily in Queens Assembly Race

Winner Cites Elizabeth II, Queen Noor of Jordan as "Feisty Competitors"

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>Campaign Lists Show Importance of Wealth and Incumbency

Ability to Walk, Chew Gum Simultaneously Distant Third

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>Intel Meets Expectations For Earnings

In Discussions along with Microsoft to Acquire Heaven/Earth

--- >Coke Reports $125 Million Loss

Company Spokesman Tries Jiggling Lever, Fails To Get Money Returned

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>Metro-North Makes Silk Purses Out of Old Depots

Railroad Giant Ponders Surplus of Sow's Ears

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>Canada: Interest Rate Raised

East Indies Claim It's "Heard of It", Papua New-Guinea Thinks It's "A State or Something"

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>Microsoft And Mexico Aim to Put Nation Online

Gates: "It's a Hell of a Lot Cheaper than Putting Them on the Payroll"

EBay Braces for Wave of Second-Rate Crap, Fears Third-Rate Crap Bottom-Line May Suffer

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>How a Celebrity Chef of the 80's Got His Stove Back

Stella Breaks Groove

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>Oil Cutbacks Affect Popular Salads

Fluffernutter and Vinegar Fails to Sweep Nation

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>Scientists Question Hormone Therapies For Menopause Ills

Also Question "Period" and "Contractions", Claim Treatment Lies in "Fixin' Me A San'wich"

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>Bloomberg Warns of Big Cutbacks in City's Services

Drug Enforcement Agency Scrapped, "Department of Mind Your Own Business" Proposed

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>Russia Resists Plans to Tweak the Mother Tongue

Still Regrets Vodka-Soaked Post-Gorbachev Piercing

Plans To Join 19th Century Pending

Cyrillic Typists Revolt, Hunt and Peck Moscow for Lenin's Tomb

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>In Calculated Risk, Blair Proposes Tax Rise

Also calls for Secret Police, Random Strip Searches, and "Private Property" Ban

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>The Netherlands: Army Chief Quits

Officer Stunned to Find Country Has Military, Confuses Self with Swiss

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>Bush Says America Sees a "Greater Hope"

Country Counting Down to 2008 Election

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>5 Planets Team Up for Sky Show Rarely Visible to the Naked Eye

Planets End Centuries-Old Venus/Mars Feud, Both Cite Longtime Desire to Work with Jupiter

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>Study Sees 6, 000 Deaths from Power Plants

Experts Attribute Rise in Horticulture Violence to WWF, MTV, HGTV

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>It's An Inch Long and Wingless, And a Surprise to Insect Experts

Researchers' Wives Not Too Thrilled, Either

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>More Heat, More Use of Water, And, As a Result, More Drought

Leading Scientists Claim "Lack of Rain", Second-Rate Scientists Cite "Abundance of Dry"

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>U.S. Revises Report of Venezuela Contacts

Changes Tense to Future Imperfect, Removes Several Commas, Corrects Your/You're Usage

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>Madagascar: Election Recount Ordered

Election Officials Suspect Tampering in Justin Timberlake Victory

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>The State Wants to Know for Sure: Is a Stratford Town Councilman a United States Citizen?

Madagascar Officials Flown in for Emergency Election Summit

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>President Praises Effort by Powell in the Middle East

"Good Hustle!" Bush Declares, Then Takes former Secretary of State for Ice Cream

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>Senate Bars Drilling In Alaskan Preserve

"Kennedy's Bar & Grill", "Strom's Place" Each Set Up Derricks, Progress Reported Slow

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>Homosexuality in Priesthood Is Under Increasing Scrutiny

Cardinals Admit Deficiencies in "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Strategy

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>Bush Favors Dozens of Sites for Exploration

Texas Rangers Home Page and Jumptheshark.com Among President's Favorites List

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>Farm Bill Could Mean Killing of Sick Bison in Yellowstone

Right-to-Die Buffalo Stampede Toward Washington

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>Actor Robert Blake Is Arrested In Killing of Wife in Los Angeles

David Soul Considers Embarrassing Tax Fraud

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>Lawyers Pick 12th Juror in Skakel Trial

"We'll Take That Tall Kid in the Back" Say Attorneys

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>Joblessness in New York City, Still Going Up, Reaches 7.5%

Aimlessness Remains Steady at 59%, Politeness Levels Off to Near August Levels

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>A Wave of Development Washes Over Essex St.

To Be Followed by Riptide of Taxes, Undertow of Starbucks

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>Fiscal View From Mayor: Don't Panic, But Worry

Bloomberg Lives Up to Vague Campaign Promise

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>Labor Dept. Questions Enron's Truthfulness

Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief That Government Is Right on Top of Things

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>Hints of Woe As Microsoft Posts Gains

Bill Gates Relents, Posts Resume on Hotjobs

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>Brain Drain In Technology Found Useful For Both Sides

Dweebs, Nerds Each Express Relief

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>Accounting Changes Help Push Sears Profit Down 38%

Softer Side of Sears Really, Really Depressed

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>Sega Forms Wireless Division

Self-Cloning Organization Promises "Improved Graphics, Greater Portability, Mutating Microchips of Death"

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>San Fernando Valley Looks To a Life After Los Angeles

Hopes To Get Back CD's, Favorite Shirt; Claims "San Andres" at Fault

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>As French Campaign Ends, Many Focus on Next Round

Hope Rests on "Hanging Chad"

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>Annan Wants Longer U.N. Role in East Timor

"Buddy" Roles Wearing Thin, Sick of "America's Sidekick" Typecasting; Contacts Affleck for Conference

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>Apparel Maker in Samoa Is Told to Pay Workers $3.5 Million

Nike Execs Fear Employees will Fritter Windfall on Food, Medical Attention Rather Than New GelTech Z "Footwear for the Virtual Athlete"

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>Let's Revisit But Not Relive The Sorry 70's

Smarmy 80's, Vapid 90's Can Go, Too

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>Controversy Over, Enclave Joins School Board Group

Priests To Form "Student Reachout" Program

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>Japanese Computer Is World's Fastest, As U.S. Falls Back

American Computer Industry Summons Bono for Benefit Concert

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>In A Policy Shift, South Africa Will Make AIDS Drugs Available to More Pregnant Women

Philanthropic Effort Also Includes Bread, Water

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>In Actor's Arrest in Killing, Los Angeles Sees a Remake

Prosecutors Decry Lack of "A List" Slaying Suspects

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>Jury Trials Fall Victim to Alabama Budget

Peers Hoot/Holler Decision

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>Extreme Rightist Eclipses Socialist To Qualify for Runoff in France

"Generalissimo Franco Still Dead", Say SNL Writers, Clearly Confusing the Joke for French

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>The Busy Life of Being a Lightning Rod for Bush

Secretary of Health and Human Services Swears That Massive Jolts of Electricity have "No Impact" on President's Ability to Lead

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>British Utilities Are Expected to Combine

BBC 1, 2, and 4 to Become BBC 124, Air Three Times as Many "Fawlty Towers" Episodes

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>Era of Uncontrolled Growth Is Ending at a California Lake

Algae Releases List of Demands

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>Scientists Find Gene Tied to Cancer Risk

"I Didn't Do Nuttin'!" Counters Bewildered Dancin' Machine

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>President to Use Earth Day To Sell Environmental Plan

Bush Snickers At Own "Environmentish" Last Name, Slowly Rocks Self to Sleep

Sidebar: Texas Quadruples Oil Output During Middle East Crisis

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>4 Carefully Planned Holdup In Village, Prosecutors Said

Senator Clinton Livid, Cites Fears of Choosing Wrong Village to Raise Children

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>Barry Diller Has Second Job And $3 Billion For Shopping

"Old Navy Has Such Cool Stuff" Media Mogul States While Sharing Cinnibon With Best friend in the Whole Wide World at Food Court

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>An Age-Old Quest Could Be at an End: Chinese Hail Viagra

"An Hour Later and You're Horny Again" to Become Pass

Billions of Chinese Not Satisfied Yet

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>Terror Suspect Says He Wants U.S. Destroyed

"Feeling's Mutual"

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>U.S. Forces Out Head of Chemical Arms Agency

6 More Weeks of Winter Feared, Critics Claim Process is "Artificial"

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>German State In Poor Shape Turns to Right in Local Vote

Other European Nations "Very, Very Nervous"

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>Gore, on Earth Day, Says Bush Policies Help Polluters

Tipper Calms Deranged Ex-Veep With Tranquilizer Dart

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>With Alaskan Exploration Rejected, Senate Looks to Ethanol

"Teddy Kennedy (D-MA) Turned Us On to This Stuff", Affirms Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)

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>Ex-Chairman Of Sotheby's Gets Jail Time

"Raising the Paddle" Suddenly Causes Fear Response in Former Auctioneer

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>Panel Endorses Use of Claritin Over Counter For Some Hives

"This Will Really Help Our Allergy-Prone Swarms. Plus, It Gives You a Killer Buzz" Says Spokesbee.

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>Abbott to Buy Full Ownership Of Japan Ally

Able to Enjoy Full Royalty Rights of "Who-san First" Routine

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>Hawaii: Dog on Tanker Eludes Rescuers

Shouts of "Here Boy!" "C'mere, Sport!" "Hey, Buddy" Elicit No Response, Considering Rolling Down Ship Window, Addition of Couch

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>2 Blows to Argentine President: Economy Minister Quits and Senate Balks at Crisis Bill

No Comment from People Magazine on Inclusion in "25 Sexist" Issue

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>Israeli Snipers Play Cat to Palestinians' Mouse At Church of the Nativity

Guys/Dolls, Jets/Sharks Rumored for Road Show

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>Salt Lake Surplus Reported

IOC Declares "Gold Medals for Everybody"

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>Achievers and Delinquents Via Melting Pot Recipe

Stunned Delinquents Respond to Achiever's Marijuana Solubility Demonstration with Sustained "Whoooaaaa..."

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>Gates Says Court Ruling Could Doom Windows System

Also Insists Sky Falling, Presence of Wolf

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>Madstone Films Grows by Acquiring Art-House Company

A Panicked Sony Shakes in Boots

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>Dot-Com Help, Wanted Again

WhiteElephant.com, Falsehopes.net Lead Pack of "Can't Miss" Marketers

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>Indonesia Resumes U.S. Military Talks, Pleasing the Pentagon

U.S. Leaders Concerned in Dearth of Return Phone Calls; Indonesian Officials Claim They're Not "Pissed at U.S., Just Been Working Crazy Hours" Lately

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>After Welfare, Working Poor Still Struggle, Report Finds

"Why Didn't These People Just Have Rich Parents Like Everyone Else?" asks White House spokesman.

Can't Get Past Velvet Ropes of Land of Milk and Honey Club, Bouncer Promises to "See What He Can Do"

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>Burned-Out Stars Help Experts Reaffirm Universe's Age

Garth Brooks, Celine Dion's Contributions "Vital" in Calculations, According to Grateful Scientists

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>Scientist Reveals Secret of Genome

Also Dishes on "Mystery of De-warf" and "Puzzle of Pe-ixy"

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>Hunger in Southern Africa Imperils Lives of Millions

Hunger Merely Inconvenience Everywhere Else, Starving Cambodians Relieved By Findings

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>Israel Refuses to Recognize Greek Orthodox Patriarch

Nation Coldly Says "I Just Don't Know Who You Are Anymore"

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>House Panel Backs Nevada As Site to Bury Atomic Waste

"Think of the Savings on Electricity for The Sands Casino Alone" Say Congressmen

State Loses Game of Rock-Paper-Scissors With Montana

Radiation Causes Havoc in Prostitution Industry, "Things Are Glowing That Shouldn't Be Glowing, If You Know What We Mean" Madams Claim

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>Most Penn Relays Pole-Vaulters Shun Wearing Helmets

Least Skilled Easiest To Identify by Glazed Look, Drool

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>Virgin Airlines Settles Case, Allowing Time Off for Religion

"Those Flight Attendants Had Better Punch Out Before Praying During Heavy Turbulence" Insists A Bitter Richard Branson

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>Bristol-Myers Profit Off 55%; Inventories Worry Analysts

Company Spokesperson Urges Investors to "Take A Chill Pill", Bill it to Insurance

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>Viacom Reports $1.1 Billion Loss

Industry Insiders Cite Cause as New CBS Primetime Show "Who Wants to be a Billionaire"

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>ABC Said to Ask Jennings To Accept a Cut in Salary

Network Also Requests Newsman Wash Koppel's Car

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>Masonic Rites, No Less. In Castro's Bailiwick!

Cuban Leader's Doctors Optimistic for Swift Recovery

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>Russia Offers Alternatives On Reduction Of Warheads

Nation Cites Cuts in Sticks, Stones Stockpile

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>Breakdown In Talks On Standoff At Church

Palestinian Gunman Claims Sexual Abuse During Siege

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>China Faces Problems Creating Jobs, Officials Say

Nation Considers "Great Linoleum Floor" Project

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>Citing Free Speech, Justices Lift a Ban On Advertising Mixed-to-Order Drugs

Pharmacies Now Free to Claim "Special Orders Don't Upset Us"

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>Agency Again Seeks Snowmobile Ban in 2 Parks

Six Flags, Disney Each Report Growing Vehicle Problem

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>PENNSYLVANIA: EX-MAYOR TOPS POLL

Politician "Stunned" to pass Federer, Roddick in lastest power ranking

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>DUPONT TO CUT 2, 000 JOBS AND TAKE A CHARGE

Spokesperson "regrets downsizing, but when you're down by three in the closing seconds of the game, you do anything you can to help your team get the ball back. You take one for the team."

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>Beware of Green Hats in China and Other Cross-Cultural Faux Pas

We Do Not Like Them, Uncle Sam-I-Am

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>Authorities Say Strict Vegan Diet Endangered Life of Queens Baby

DYFS Representatives Concerned Infant May Never Develop Appetite for Crap

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>Nassau Requires Churches to Report Sex Abuse Complaints

County Claims Confession "Good for the Soul"

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>MANHATTAN: CARNEGIE DELI JURY SELECTION

They'll Take the "Joey Bishop"

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>G.M. Is Set To Complete A Takeover Of Daewoo

Consonants Put on Alert

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>SPAIN: FLAT QUARTER AT BANK

Portugal Reports Sighting of Slightly Puffy Nickel

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>NASA to View Interaction of Earth's Water and Climate

Space Center Set to Open Blinds on Tuesday

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>Post 9/11 Pain Found to Linger In Young Minds

Older Minds Content to Soothe Minds in Sweet, Sweet Nectar of Tequila

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>Seizing Arms And Leaving An Upset Town

Municipal Leaders Struggle to Put on Shirts, Pants

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>Drug Plans For Elderly Are Unveiled By 2 Parties

Moshe Goldblatt Bar Mitzvah Offers Manishevitz, Caffeine, Zyrtec; Ozzy Osborne Backyard Barbeque Features Cocaine, Nicotine, Zoloft

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>MAINE: 34-YEAR-OLD WEEKLY CLOSES

34-Week-Old Annual Considered

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>Ashcroft's New Push on Internet Pornography

Attorney General "Embarrassed" as U.S. Falls Behind Ghana in Extreme Hardcore Production; Gore Reflects on Woulda/Coulda/Shoulda "Double Penetration Initiative"

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>Using Robotics, Researchers Give Upgrade to Lowly Rats

Sylvester, Tom Seek Government Protection

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>Merrill Lynch Contemplates 3 Little Words For Its Ratings

"I Love You." There. We've Said It. Was That So Hard?

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>Kmart Seeks Additional Time To Finish Its Annual Report

Cites Problem with Pet Dog

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>Los Angeles Inner City Beset By Chronic Health Problems

Many Plagued with Persistent Bullet Infection

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>Priests Told To Cut Back On Absolution For Groups

No Exceptions to "Come Here and Sit on My Lap" Rule

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>4 Lawmakers Urge Transportation Dept. to Allow Pilots to Carry Guns

Upright-Seat Position Compliance Soars to 98%

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>Report Recommends Building Simpler Schools

"The Last Thing that We Need to be Doing is Challenging Our Kids" Study Finds

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>Kmart Inquiry Is Focusing On Executives

Original Plan to Pin Bankruptcy Woes on Assistant Manager of Milwaukee Store Shelved

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>Aurora Foods to Close Its Bagel Plant Near Buffalo

"The Droppings Those Things Leave Made the Situation Impossible" says Spokesperson

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>Goldman partner Returns to Board

"It'll Take a Bigger Wipeout Than That to Keep Me from Shredding" Claims Bemused Dude

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>Muscles Ripple, Webs Unfurl, Hormones Race

Lust-Crazed Tipper Begs Al to "Tell Me the Internet Story Again, Stud"

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>Lenders Trying An Alternative To Foreclosure

Stockpile of Severed Horse Heads Approved

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>Burmese Dissident's Expected Release May Have Hit a Snag

Refuses to Use the "Ridiculous" Term "Myanmarian" to Describe Self

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>Vietnam: Russians Pull Out of Old U.S. Base

Officials Unsure What Hekawis Were Doing in Asia, Agarn Unavailable for Comment

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>60 in Columbia Reportedly Killed During Battles

University Considers Disciplinary Action for Warlords

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>Pride in President May Have an Expiration Date

"Evildoers" Consensus Jump the Shark Moment

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>Father's Library Can Hold Bush Papers, if Door is Ajar

Dubya Confused by Imagery, Haunted by SAT Debacle

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>Clinton Forgoing Media Job (for the Present)

Former Chief Executive Holding Out Hope for Howard Stern Gig

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>Investigation Begun Into Action by Army Secretary on a Weapon

Clerk-Tipped Warhead Program Said to Spur Job Growth

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>EasyJet Says It Is Considering Acquisition of a Rival, Go Fly

A-Kite Seen as Next Target

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>Steve Madden, Shoe Designer, Is Sentenced for Stock Fraud

Oprah Organizes Hunger Strike Club

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>Police Say Woman Gave Teenager a Party With Drugs, Drink and Nudity

National Lampoon Files Lawsuit

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>Even With Pink Tutus, Daring Action Wins Out

New Bond Film Hailed as "Groundbreaking", "Confusing"

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>A Faded Hollywood Power Broker Relinquishes His Talent Business

Spike Lee to Become Knick Point Guard

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>Renegade Fish Is Outlasting Even Bombings

Odd Bombings Proven Effective

Freshwater Trout Five Sect Releases Aquaman as Sign of Good Faith

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>Madagascar May Break Up In Dispute Over Election

To Be Known as Nations of "Mad" and "Agascar"

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>Cambodia's Mystery, the Horns That Never Were

Controversy Takes National Mind Away from Hunger Pangs

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>From Hilltop Perch, British Troops Watch for Holdouts

RAF Spots Man in Purple Coat and Small Boy in Strange Aircraft, Suspect Bishop of Canterbury on Bender

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>Jefferson Group Bars Slave's Descendants

Claims Grace Slick was "Free to Leave Whenever She Wanted"

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>Regular Season of 'The Osbournes" Is Down to the Fine Print

Negotiations Hinge Upon Agreement to Meet VH-1's "Iommi Clan" in Regional Playoffs

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>Old Hewlett Is Preparing To Show Off Its New Look

Jared Now Claims Loss of 400 "Virtual Pounds"

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>Hyundai Joins 2 Automakers In Planning For Engine

40, 000 Squirrels Facing Layoffs

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>China Finds Way to Beat Chip Limits

"Rice Loophole" Found in Zone Diet

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>Uncovering the Coverup of a Medical Scandal in Britain

British Dental Association Found to be Halitosis Fetish Webring

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>Freed Burmese Democracy Leader Proclaims 'New Dawn'

"Cuts Grease Faster" Claims Government Spokesperson

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>Canadian-Led Troops Revisit Caves in Eastern Afghanistan

Battalion Defenses Include Mammoth Umbrella Adorned with Maple-Leaf

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>Chirac's Pick: A Premier Friendly to Small Business

Nominee "Psyched", Plans to Open Frites Stand on Champs-Elysees

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>Bush, at School, Promotes Education Bill

"You're not 'Just a Bill' anymore, my friend, " proclaimed the proud President. "Today, you're General Bill."

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>Suspect Gets Away From Police In Fifth Escape of Last Six Weeks

Entire Keystone Kommunity Expresses "Disillusion" With Force

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>Chief-to-Be Says AOL Has One Problem Area

"Geeks look down on us. Geeks!" Exclaims Bewildered Executive

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>Hard-Traveling Quayle Misses a Perk

In Press Release, Former Vice President Laments Lack of Limoes

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>Californians Call Enron Documents the Smoking Gun

Now Banned from Restaurants

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>Nigeria: 100 Lashes for Premarital Sex

Post-Marital Sex Costs Much, Much More

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>A Study Links I.Q. and Breast-Feeding

Leading Scientists Play Dumb

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>Manhattan: Scout Leader Admits Molesting Boy

Church Files Copyright Infringement Lawsuit

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>Pepsi Turning Blue With New Flavoring To Lift Cola Sales

Last-Ditch Breath-Holding Stunt Buoying Soda Giant

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>Argentina Shakes, Uruguay Rattles

Peru Spoils Everything

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>Rolling Stones Gather for a Tour, Floating on a Blimp in the Bronx

Aircraft Floats on Eco-Friendly Combo of Mick's Enlarged Prostate, Keith's Exhale

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>Poultry Plants to Pay Workers $10 Million in Compensation

"Chicken Feed" Squawk Union Leaders

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>Congress Is Warned Not to Save a Weapons System President Demands

"If I've Told You Once, I've Told You a Thousand Times - Get Rid of that Slingshot!", Threat Cited to Someone's Eye

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>E*Trade Chief Accepts A Cut in Compensation

$8 Trade Fee Reduced to Wink, Nod

Newly Structured Contract Cuts Annual Salary from $2.4 Million to Several "High Quality" Pets.com Pelts

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>Yuppie Moonshine With the Old Kick, And It's Legal, Too

Hyannisport Gazette Claims Local Man's Still Produces The "Lexus" of Rotgut

--- >Restaurant Robbery Briefly Evokes A Queens Holdup in Which 5 Died

Lacked Substance, "Derivative of Eastside Liquors Job", Detectives Pan Heist

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>City Codes Cloud Mayor's Plan to Use Tweed Building as a School

Appeals to High Court to Revisit 1975 Law Mandating All Buildings to be Made From "Breathable Cotton"

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>Manhattan: A Push to Improve Nuclear Detection Devices

Civil Defense Binoculars Deemed "Risky"

--- >Big Networks Show Respect to 'Sopranos'

NBC's Zucker Relents on Mob Drama After Nightmare Involving Mr. Ed's Head

--- >Prada Plans Stock Sale To Pay Off Large Debt

Exploring American Idol, Wal-Mart Tie-In Deal

--- >There Are No Such Things As Small Games To Clemens

Roger, Jr. Rushes Mound after Backyard Beaning

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>Sun and Yahoo! In Alliance

Nearest Star and Internet Juggernaut to Develop "Virtual Gravity"

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>What's in Those Nuggets? Meat Substitute Stirs Debate

McDonald's Disputes Animal-Rights Activists' Claims, Cite "Plausible Deniability" of "Chicken"

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>Carnegie Hall vs. the Kimmel Center

Late-Night Host has "Very, Very Good Agent" According to ABC Executives

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>U.N. Broadens List of Products Iraq Can Import

Cruise Missiles, ICBMs to Be Air-Delivered to War-Ravaged Nation

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>Court Says Law School May Consider Race in Admissions

Lessens Reliance on Grades, LSATs

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>Shea Needs $11 Million in Repairs, Engineering Report Says

Structural Integrity of Stadium Still Suspect After "Darryl Strawberry Day", After Which Former Mets Star Was Heard to Say, "I Know I Left a Kilo or Two Around Here Somewhere..."

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>Arafat Was Willing To Face Voters, His Aides Say

Music Still Waiting

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>U.N. Warns That Many Children, Rich and Poor, Are Obese

World Body Also Labels Sky "Blue", Sea "Moist"

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>Debate on Human Cloning Turns to Patents

Scientists to Test Theories on Patent Attorneys, Await Federal Approval for Trials on Actual Humans

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>Archdiocese Vows to Report Abuse Sooner

At Least Before Victim Passes Lie-Detector Test, Explains Spokesperson

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>Cardinal in Los Angeles Say He Let Abuser Remain a Priest

"Look, I told him to 'Turn the other cheek.' How was I supposed to know he was into that, too?" explains Archdiocese Head

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>Jupiter Regains Moon Lead

Pulls Ahead of Saturn to Take an Eleven-Moon Lead in the Best of 25 Moon Series

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>Airlines Report Hearing Only Vague Caution

"Let's face it, 'Hey, let's be careful out there!' doesn't tell us much" Claims Spokesperson

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>Police Dept. Reports Jump In Applicants

Many Recruits Said to Possess Ability to Reach Curb Without Putting Down Doughnut

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>HBO-Showtime Team Using Experienced Reporter to Cover Tyson Bout

Former "Monday Night Football" Analyst O.J. Simpson Brings Stability to Unproven Booth

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>At AOL, Parting Without the Sweet Sorrow

Turner Advises Levin Not to Let Door Hit Ass on Way Out

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>US Airways Tells Unions Details of Cost-Cutting Plan

Belt-Tightening Measures Include "Bring Your Own Seat" Policy, Celebrity Guest Co-Pilot Program

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>Schwab Begins Grading Stocks on a Curve

Investors Can Pay Bankruptcy Court Fees With "A List" Stock

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>Labor Talks at Hershey Stall Over Health Benefits

"Wonkasurance" Deemed Unsatisfactory

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>NEC Plans Spinoff Semiconductor

Manufacturer Set to Develop New "Norm" Chip, Will Already Know User's Name

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>UPN Keeps Its Focus on Youth, So Its Leader Talks the Talk

Viacom Honcho Les Moonves Announces "Network Survivor" Format, Shows Voted Off Schedule by "High Council of Peoplemeters" Chosen by god Nielsen

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>Mixing Operatic Tradition With Irony and High Jinks

Mel Brooks Casting Fat Ladies for Oy! Traviata

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>Living the Music: Brazilians and Americans Exchange Traditions

U.S. Gets Sergio Mendes and Bossa Nova, Brazil Gets N'Sync and One Hundred Trillion Dollars

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>Financial Crisis May Sideline Part of England's Soccer Tradition

Hooligans File for Bankruptcy Protection

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>In Wisconsin, Scandal, Outrage and Deficit Churn Up a Storm of Political Change

Lactose-Intolerant Kenneth Starr Recuses Himself

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>Terror Disclosures Pose Risks for Both Parties

Democrats, Republicans Each Cite "Indifference" to Welfare of General Population

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>Study Finds Quitting Smoking Helps Odds for Cancer Patients

1943 Report Also Alludes to Dangers of Lead Paint, Opposition to Hitler

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>Workers Contend Coke Sent Old Soda to Poor Neighborhoods

Congress Urged to Probe "Racial Bottling"

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>In Hollywood, Everyone Wants to Be Ozzy

Woody Allen Gets Tattoo, Develops British Accent

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>An Italian Pen Designed With da Vinci in Mind

Ran Out of Ink In 1503

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>Foreigners Obtain Social Security ID With Fake Papers

Citizenship Acquired With Sammy Sosa Rookie Card and Two-Day Pass to Six Flags

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>Midwest Towns Feel Gambling Is a Sure Thing

Dubuque Picks Middle Shell

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>In Bid to Improve Nutrition, Schools Expel Soda and Chips

Sidebar: NEA Signs 10-Year Deal with Anheiser-Busch and Pop Rocks

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>A 'New' Tape of bin Laden

Critics Say It Recalls Earlier Work With Anthrax

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>Urging Young to Buckle Up, Officials Try Switch in Tactics

Officials "Cautiously Optimistic" in Dropping "Just Say No" Anti-Drug Campaign, to Safety-First "That Belt Goes Great with Your Shoes"

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>Clemens Overpowers Twins With 13 Strikeouts

Mary-Kate, Ashley Deny Crying

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>Giuliani Defends Bush

W. Calls Rudy "The Best Wingman a Dude Could Ask For" Before Tapping New Keg

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>In New Focus on Quality of Life, City Goes After Petty Criminals

Tom, Lori on Lam After Loud Parties

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>In Guatemala, a Rhode Island-Size Jade Lode

Unearthed Rock in Shape of Weeping Virgin Mary

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>Transportation Security Chief Says He Opposes Pilots' Carrying Guns Aboard Planes

Pilots' Union Head: "Guns Don't Kill People, Pilots Without Guns Kill People."

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>Washington: No Money in Pupil Sex Case

"Eye Fetish" Prostitutes Reportedly to be Near Ruin

---

>With a Step Right, Senator Clinton Agitates the Left

Bill Looking for Creamy Middle

---

>Piazza Responds to Gossip Column

Angered Catcher "Disappointed" Britney's Smoking

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>Gap's Chief Executive Unexpectedly Calls It Quits

Insists "Called" by Guatemalan Jade

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>Buffett Seeks Unusual Loan Deal

Will Gladly Pay You Tuesday for a Cheeseburger Paradise Today

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>Body of Intern Found in Park In Washington

Lewinsky Faints

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>Hormone May Explain Difficulty Dieters Have Keeping Weight Off

Twinkie-Shaped Chemical Calls Findings "Witch Hunt"

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>Skip-the-Ads TV Has Madison Ave. Upset

Industry Contingency Plans Include Holding Minty-Fresh Breath Until It Turns New & Improved Blue

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>Severe Water and Land Loss Predicted Over a Generation

Cherokees: "Tough Karma, Dude."

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>Thailand: Rifle-Toting Monk Takes Hostages

Frustrated Holy Man Converts to Catholicism, Demands Younger Captives

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>As Bush Heads for Russia, Hopes for an Investment Plan Fade

Treasury Secretary O'Neill Cites Concern That Chief Executive "Wasteful", Won't Have Enough Allowance Left For That Shiny Two-Wheeler W. Has Eyes On

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>A Reshaped Israeli Legislature Backs Sharon's Spending Plan

Will Purchase Bicycle for Bush's Birthday

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>Man Gets Six Years for Fraud Involving a Hasidic Enclave

Beard Extensions Gave Him Away, Claim Witnesses

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>After 20 Days of Freedom, an Escapee From New York Is Found in Virginia

Citing "Adulation Burnout", Guiliani Returned on Gilded Amtrak Train

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>Fingers Crossed Downtown As Firms Consider Moving

Spokesperson asks "Are they gone yet?", Shuffles Feet

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>Vatican Accepts Resignation of Milwaukee's Archbishop

Made "Really Crappy Porter, Anyway" According to Pontiff

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>U.S. Olympic Chief Quits Over Her Lies on College Degrees

To Seek Opening in French Figure Skating Organization

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>Yugoslav Coalition to Replace 50 Lawmakers

"Not Corrupt Enough" Claims Prime Minister

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>Montana Senator Gets Second Wind

Electorate "Amazed" by Participation in Indirect Democracy, Electric Lights

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>Judge Curbs Florida's Fight Against the Spread of a Citrus Disease

O.J. Denies Involvement, Warms Up Bronco

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>Knicks to Take a Look at Connecticut's Butler

Biddlecombe Prides Self on Being "Gentleman's Gentleman, " Half-Court Defense

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>The Bronx: Meatpacking Firm Recalls Hot Dogs

Butchers Fete All Beef Run of '92

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>Murdock's Son Assumes Role of Publisher at New York Post

Nab Father in Image Slay Shocker

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>For Auditing Reform, Pitt is the Last Hope

Heartthrob Summoned by Fed; DiCaprio, Prinze, Jr. Cite "Accounting Differences, " Pull Out of Project

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>Kmart Loses $1 Billion in Five Weeks

Retailer Blames Faulty Blue Light

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>Recession? Don't Tell the Video Game Industry

"Dot-Com Nukem IV" Hot New Summer Title, "Al Gore's Big Campaign Reform Discuss-o-Fest" Slow Mover

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>Jetblue and Bally Say They Will Offer In-Flight Yoga

Airline Reports Disappointment with In-Flight Softball League

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>On Visit to Paris, Bush Tries to Ease Concern in Europe

Proves Solid Foundation in Geography, Proud to Be Among the "Terrific Belgian People"

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>A Libel Suit May Establish E-Jurisdiction

Ruling Sets Stage for "Virtual Guilt, " Therapists Rejoice

---

>Shortage of Nurses Spurs Bidding War In Hospital Industry

Healthcare Providers Look to Soft Porn Industry for Experienced Caregivers

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>Amid Concern Over Ethics, Chrtien Shifts His Cabinet

French Leader Chafes Against His "Trading Spaces" Design Team

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>Push to Move Alaska's Capital Has Central Theme

Straw Poll Indicates Growing Support for Somewhere "Indoors"

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>Simpson DNA Papers Go to Smithsonian

Groening "Honored" to Draw Yellow Genetic Code

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>Milton Shedd, 79, Co-Founder of Sea World (Obituary)

Mouth-to-Mouth by Shamu Categorized as "Valiant, " "Misguided"

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>Poland's Top Scorer Gets a Cold Welcome

Fans Perplexed By Light Bulb Replacement Crisis, Miss Triumphant Arrival

---

>What Makes a Glacier Go? Scientists Look Inside

Researchers Cite Reluctance of Mothers to Go Out In Cold

---

>Sky Is Falling on Prairie Chicken, Sacrifice of a Rite of Spring

"Doomclucker" Poultry Cite Naked Chicken as Sign of "Orwellian Turmoil"

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>Dual Treatment For Prostate Disease

Doctors Cite Success with Turn Head, Cough Process

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>Amtrak Counts Its Assets

1982 Cheap Trick Concert Stub, 14 lbs. of Pocket Lint Highlight "A" List

By Don Seaman - First Mate on the Ship of Fools.  

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