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Cybersex: Pros, And At Least One Con Named Bubba

I'll admit I am not too tech savvy, so when I read Pattie Byrd's internet Dating article, I thought I'd snoop around a bit and investigate the world of cybersex. Not knowing quite how to go about finding it, I Googled "cybersex".

Ahem. Excuse me, but YIKES! Just Googling it gave me an eye tic. My contact lens flipped around to the back of my eyeball. I slammed my computer shut on my pinky and looked around the living room to see if the kids were paying attention. I didn't see anyone, but how the hell would I know for sure with one eye shut and the other flashing like a strobe light.

It took me a few months of eavesdropping just to figure out what phone Sex was. I couldn't imagine how you'd ...well, never mind. It seemed quite unnatural, but you know me. Live and let live, I always say, but I couldn't shake a vision of a bearded sweaty con, aka Bambi, slobbering into a reciever with a soprano voice. I ended my investigation after I turned around in my booth at I-Hop and asked the young lady yapping about her latest phone Sex conquest if she had caller ID. I never did find out what happened if someone beeped in.

So, back to cybersex. I assume you can't pull any gender punches unless you dress up like the Easter Bunny. I want to know how people get into this lifestyle. You know, inquiring minds? I doubt any one wakes up in the morning and says, "Hey, I think I'll get me some cybersex today." Are these people demented, or just curious? Who started cybersex, and how in the world did they come up with the first partner? Maybe they placed an ad in the newspaper Personals.There also must be some perks other than the obvious, but it sure doesn't strike me as being particularly magical.

I guess you wouldn't have to worry about shaving your legs, ladies, unless you were at the braiding stage. The camera might catch you in a bad light and a few inches of long black leg spikes might be a turnoff, but a little stubble? Not having to dash into the bathroom and shave would be a plus if you were in a hurry because, I mean, who would know? Better yet, would Bubba in Attica really care?

A huge plus would be the bad breath thing. I still have to laugh at the guy on television that's been in a coma for a month. When he wakes up, there is his sweetie pie, right there to lay a five minute lip lock on him. Come on, I can't stand myself after coffee and a cigarette, but swapping spit with a mouth that's been closed for a month? Mother of God! Sweetie pie sure is a trooper. I guess that's one bite of reality that's thankfully missing in cyberspace coupling.

What happens if little Susie bursts through the door when you're prancing around in your Little Bo Peep costume? How are you going to explain that one? Kids might buy the old "Daddy has something stuck in his eye" excuse, if Daddy is actually in the room, but you'll be hard pressed to explain his absence if you go the "I'm practicing for the Spring Pageant" route. I'd think you'd have to plan ahead for when the house is empty to avoid any embarrassing discovery.

I dunno, cybersex sounds like a thankless job. No matter how hard you try, the guy out there in cyberspace isn't going to buy you those three hundred dollar drapes you've been gunning for. No matter how good you are, or how hard you work at it, honey, you ain't going to get breakfast in bed from Tommy the Trojan, unless his second sideline is stalking. And who's going to light your cigarette? I think a man must have come up with this one, ladies.

Que sera, sera. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. I think it's a little sad that people are so desperate for love that they turn to cybersex in place of it. I'm also surprised that there seems to be no shortage of volunteers to reciprocate. I bet there are a few sheep around that must feel a heightened sense of relief, though. Me? I've got a headache.

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By Nancy V Canfield - Retired retro who writes during television commercials. If you're the type of person who doesn't like to take life too seriously, then we'll get along just fine. My family says I'm overly opinionated and bos...  

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